prepping for '09 - part two

just wrote a bunch of stuff about what i still need to rehash from stuff that i was in the process of rehashing off the old list of ancient rehash points that gave me more to think about. i have been wanting to really shake it all off and start undoing or doing what needed to be done a long time ago. i figured that since i am approaching an age defined by lack of innocence and purportedly 'the donning of wisdom or the unveiling of late-blooming ignorance, replaced with a semblance of maturing intelligence' i have to somehow wiggle my old booty to its senses and get going with my rehash points. i blogged it all out, assuming that i could get myself now to really pen it out and assign it numbers that represent - not necessarily the order of which they need to accomplished - unit numbers so that checking them off means having done a certain number of units or things on the list. it's amazing how one can just obssess on the rehash points themselves and justify the lack of time to actualize them. so having said this, i am now on my way to doing what the rehash points represent.

prepping for '09 - part one

in the process of elimination of junk piling to the max: old clothes too tight or too young for me, pitiful thoughts of what-ifs and what-if-not, relationships that are one-sided or three-sided and sometimes lopsided, books that are spiritually empty and gain no one any wisdom, too much meaningless time spent on sense-and-self-gratification, associations that tear down rather than build up, heaps of ageing papers and magazines on storage boxes and makeshift shelves and closets in our cramped garage, unnecessary memories and pretend arts and craft.
where does this list end?

Rehash Points

My ’09 business development plan is belatedly done and I should say “yeay!” but then I still have a pile of home-cooked plans to rehash and I still need to figure out where I left off from 2008 and all the things that I never got to finish last year which now got moved over to this year, if I can figure out where to scratch and stretch, after all. Now I have these seven rehash points which I am sure will multiply to seventy other rehash points and ideas and forgotten other points and ideas from way back when I even started rehashing.

Rehash Point 1

I still want to release some weight off and welcome more lean muscles without having to spend any mullah on a personal trainer or fester about not taking up Bikram yoga because I don’t know if I could handle anything hotter than 80-degrees and the expense it translates for exposing myself to a figurative and probably awkward stretch or balk at the thought of walking uphill in my neighborhood which, when you think about it, is really dumb because door knocking in my area is in my business plan and walking uphill is really a requirement – no, the only way without having to drive every four yards - in order for me to get from one house to the next, so I would just revert back to going to my local gym where I am prepaid for another two years; thanks to my husband’s Christmas gift in ’07 when he prepped me for a three-year journey on the elliptical trainer and the local sporting club where it takes fifty cents to park and another ten minute-drive from my house or a quick three blocks from my office.

Rehash Point 2

I still dream about a trip to Israel sometime after war and almost peace, when it’s safe to venture and walk where Jesus walked and believe that, war or peace, Hamas or not, does not matter because the ground is holy anyway and my God knows where my next steps are leading.

Rehash Point 3

I still plan to write and get pages going, give birth to a character in my head and beat the traffic over to Zuma Beach one of these days just to breathe in the Pacific Coast breeze and remember the days when I got photo opp here for my engagement picture, which was really sort of silly now that I look back because I was wearing linen and lined slacks and light blue (yes, dry clean only) sweater while I sat perched uncomfortably on a big, jutted beach rock, waves splashing and really wetting the folded edges of my dry clean only matching slacks. I should have blamed my wedding photographer for not warning me, but hey, it was no secret: the setting was the beach, props were sand, waves, sea water, setting sun and the sharp-like-a- razor beach rock for a chair. In retrospect, we looked good with the sepia effect and all the airbrushing and the magnificent swell of the SoCal surf just fit right behind us.

Rehash Point 4

I still plan to take some Jerry Savelle’s correspondence classes for me to learn how to walk by faith and not really just rely on my own mighty and lofty list of objectives and plans which I have no idea when I’d get the chance to all check them off anyway.

Rehash Point 5

I still need to really get my long list of to-read books opened and read and to-watch movies played, snatch some time here and there to just vege out with a dusty book on one hand or a netflix mailer playing and a steaming hot cocoa or some green tea on the other hand, contemplating on what those classic or funny or sad or crazy or biblical or drug-induced words and scenes mean in my life and the life of the characters and ideas in my head.

Rehash Point 6

I still want to cook a big bowl of my colleagues’ favorite adobo, use the same ingredients but this time twist it a little bit to make it less porky (good concept: lessen the pork!) and add some out-of-this-world secret ingredient so that I could call it my own without the bottled marinade basking in the glory all by itself.

Rehash Point 7

I still want to go and visit my mother who is now on a feeding tube because, like my sister hypothesized, her year-old hematoma and prior strokes affected her vocal muscles and her brain must have shut off communication with her palate so she just never thought to be hungry and occasionally couldn’t even say my name, let alone say I love you. Or maybe she just got tired of feeling awful and decided not to speak much.

not enough words

It is a long pause after my last entry here. I don't know whether to go on and peel off one layer after another. Then again I ask myself, why not? Times have certainly changed and I have grown quite accepting of what I thought were just empty words or inconsequential attempts at sentences. It doesn't matter if I voice my mind or shut up. I just want to have a space that not enough words can fill.

Just the other day I watched the movie "Becoming Jane" and became quickly enamored at how Jane demonstrated persistence and courage in her time. She was clearly vocal in her opinions and had a strength of character that ignores gender and vocation. Interestingly, her desire for anonymity cries irony: She was like an open book with her thoughts, but she never quite opened up with her heart. Or else, couldn't she easily have let herself be undisquised in the pages of her book?

I don't know if Jane inspired me to peel myself off, or not. But here I am peeling off and claiming space after blank space to put not enough words to fill.